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by Uncle Jo
Summary: On todays show: Nazis, pathetic little buggers, attempt to enravel Side 3 in a Lawsuit of epic proprtions. May include some pieces which may define it as a criticism of certain aspects of our modern culture. At least it might. Review this? Ha! I dare you
1. Ep 1: Define the term MORAL

Setting: (Lights up on an apparently empty platform. The air surrounding it is thick and hot; one can almost suffocate on the humidity. Most of this is due to the extravagant lights decked out across any and all sides of the platform. Some sixty-two stage lights of all various shapes and sizes are strewn about, all directed at the mercilessly gray platform. Spaces not occupied by lights are filled with rampant wires, metal jacks, plugs and a multitude of multiple eyes. The glowing lenses, eyes in the dark, wander around the tacit stage with a smooth tranquility. Up, down, up and down, the lenses peer about the peeling, cracked gray stage; never ceasing, they continue their roundabout motions, passing between each other seemingly unawares. Suddenly, the gray of the stage is enveloped in a deep red as an intricately woven carpet finds its way onto the mass. Perhaps led by an invisible army of hands and muscle, the carpet is followed by two luxurious wood chairs, a mammoth satin couch in the late Victorian style, four peach- colored planks placed about in a fashion as to resemble a wall along three sides of the platform, and of course, cushions galore. The final touches: a fake window with luminous white drapes overlooking a fake terrace which holds a depiction of a beautiful scene including a sparkling white city and a flurry of smiling citizens. The citizens, the city, all are alive. Yet, all do not exist. A hologram. A rosewood table finds its way to the center of the now elaborately decorated platform. A vase of odd flowers (genetically engineered beauties?) apparently completes the picture. No. A last (truly the last this time) item has yet to be added. A flag, its bright red matching the carpet, is hoisted above the window. A dark insignia fills a white circle, the only break in the decided red of the flag. And here come the players, here come the entertainers. The first, a tall imposing figure with dark, short hair. His black eyes are dull, but only serve to hide a sharp mind. His black uniform highlighted both by the bright lights surrounding him and the gold bird adorning his chest, almost absorbs the rest of his features. His black boots 'click' as he passes from reality to the stage, he takes his place within the confines of the left wooden chair. The second figure, short and lean, she barely seems able to fit into her suit. Much akin to her hair, her dark auburn outfit (the norm for most newscasters of her time) is disheveled, unorganized, and quite short. Her only pure feature is that of her piercing, dark green eyes. She appears alien among the lush surroundings as she takes her place in the second wooden chair. A hand appears in the last spot of darkness within the never-ending stream of lights surrounding the stage. Utilizing its fingers, it counts down: five, four, three…)  
  
1(Our darkly dressed male participant): Good Morning 2.  
  
2(Our distinctively clad female participant): Good Morning 1.  
  
Both: And Good Morning Zeon!  
  
1: We're happy to be broadcasting to you today directly from the friendly confines of the Royal Chancery, here in glorious Side 3, where it's always sunny…  
  
2: …and every citizen is ready and willing, mostly.  
  
1: Of course. Today we will be covering recent events in the news, analyzing some of the various aspects that make life in Side 3 better than any other place in the galaxy and answering just a few of the questions you might have about the specifics of the war on Terra.  
  
2: All that and your thoughts, today on Good Morning Zeon!  
  
(Theme music, a medley of militaristic tunes with what appears to be a crank and grind organ meshing out the melody to Yellow Rose of Texas.)  
  
1: First, the news. Quelling the recent barrage of rumors and misinformation being circulated, the admirable Archduke Degin Zabi spoke to crowds today from the terrace of his majesty's royal residence. The matter at hand mainly concerned some apparently "indecent" photographs of the sovereign that have recently shown up on Gaia/net sites on many different servers. Originally owing the pictures to Earth Federal Intelligence efforts to discredit his majesty, there now appears to have been an abrupt about face by the concerned parties. Though he spoke for only a few minutes, the Archduke made it perfectly clear that those incidents which may or may not have happened, if they did happen, occurred when he was young and not yet omnipotent. Therefore, any possible photos he may have shot for any possible magazine should not be taking into context when assuming actual hobbies or sexual preference, and should likewise have no bearings on his abilities as a dictator.  
  
2: The pictures can currently be seen…well, just about everywhere thanks to Federal hackers. The Bureau of Decency in Animation wishes all parents to restrict their child's access to their local hub until ravelers can fully repair the damage. Speaking of the net, did you know now that almost 60% of the known galaxy purchases their equipment on-line?  
  
1: Why no I didn't! And my, oh my, is that a new coat?  
  
2: Why yes it is 1, and boy is it comfortable.  
  
1: But, I didn't think they made coats like that anymore.  
  
2: They don't. But that doesn't prevent Blazer's from carrying them. You can get almost anything from Blazer's that the universe of fashion has thrown out the death hole. From slacks to loose-fitting shirts for females, it's all there. And there's no better place to find what you want than at Blazer's on-line emporium. Fast, cheap, and did I mention the incredible safety of the Gaia/net. So what are you waiting for? Blaze on down to Blazer's.  
  
1: Just think of it, a store filled the useless relics from the twenty- second century…I'm excited just thinking about it. (silence.) In further news…  
  
2: Strategists at Divine Command Central unveiled their newest and perhaps boldest plan for the eventual invasion of the Earth. While reports at this time are indeed sketchy, a prepared correspondence from the Ministry of Truth and Lies allows us to tell you without a doubt "it will involve lots and lots of cool stuff, plenty of killing and explosions and no one will be spared." The message ends with various forms of hysterical laughter.  
  
1: With us today is a very special guest. An important part of our Special- Operations forces now circling that great dirtball in the heavens, he speaks with us today utilizing satellite technology.  
  
2: Satellite use courtesy of CombatSat. CombatSat operators are standing by 24/7, ready for a small price and a bit of your time to give you the amazing power to find, locate and terminate anyone or anything in a 300 million kilometer radius. CombatSat, reach out and kill somebody.  
  
1: Because of the nature of our militant buddy here, we're not allowed to actually give his name. Let's just call him Faceless Extra, to aid in the conversation.  
  
Clueless: Hello Everybody!  
  
Both: Hello Faceless Extra.  
  
1: Mr. Extra, let me just start out by saying thank you for appearing on our show.  
  
Clueless: Well, I was pretty desperate to get word to my family before I died.  
  
2: What a warrior! Ready to claim victory for our nation and he's still able to find a place in his mind for family.  
  
1: And to think that Earth propaganda would go to say he eats his young. This is truly a proud moment for the family of this stalwart soldier. So tell me Mr. Extra, from what you've been able to witness, what can you tell us here about the strategy involved in this invasion.  
  
Clueless: Strategy?  
  
2: Ha Ha, what a kidder! Can you enlighten the public as to your plan of action?  
  
Clueless: Your flying right past me here. What the hell are you talking about?  
  
1: Ha Ha, a mile a minute, now come on. What's going on down there, really?  
  
Clueless: …Oh, you mean…right, of course. Well the way we see it here the enemy's got the planet locked down tight.  
  
2: Right.  
  
Clueless: So we figured we could push past those annoying Fedi cruisers.  
  
1: Amazing, how will you do it.  
  
Clueless: Well, if we can get it so they don't fire on us, then we won't have a problem. So we figured, "hey, those cruiser gunners gotta be pretty moral guys and all. I mean, who in the name of all things holy is evil enough to fire on small forest creatures. You'd have to be possessed by some sort of demonic presence or something. So we just covered the old Zaku II's with puppies, squirrels, chipmunks, small children, midgets and the like. Tied 'em all on and just tried jetting right past those warships like there was no tomorrow.  
  
1: Brilliant, absolutely ingenious.  
  
Clueless: That's what I thought…but it, uh, didn't exactly work out that way. I mean, they firing on us anyway! Oh Crap! I'm gonna die, I swear if I get outta this I will never touch another tiny creature…whoa! You missed me ya' figgin sons a…Ahhh! Missed me again…take that, and that…ohhh, you got Mr. Heat Hawk glowing red…that means he's excited, he'd like to meet your ship up, establish close relations and all…HEY! You could not hit the broad side of a….static.  
  
2: We seem to have lost transmission due to, uh, technical difficulties.  
  
1: Damn solar flares.  
  
2: To think, the Earth Federation trains their gunners to hit small animals. Why, it's simply immoral.  
  
1: An absolute travesty. Well, Just another federation massacre to add to the growing list. And you saw it first here folks this one is actually genuine. It's reassuring however to know that you live in a rotating cylinder where animal rights are as closely followed as the anti-pollution laws. (silence, followed by nervous laughter.)  
  
2: But seriously folks, we only use larger, less cute animals for weapons testing programs, nothing like you've witnessed today. This just in: Our forces encircling the globe have been destro-, er, have disappeared.  
  
1: What!?  
  
2: (nudging 1) Yes, that's right. Strike teams Carnivore, Lima, and Uziel have mysteriously gone missing, having disappeared from radar only moments after beginning what those at Divine Command Central have dubbed a "flawless plan" to land forces across Western Europe. Officials have clamped down on further details, but it's safe to assume some more of that old Federation black magic may have been involved.  
  
1: Darn those Satanists in the Federal Senate, they're always about conjuring up the peskiest of demons and momentary time/space fluxes. It is just infuriating.  
  
2: No need to fall out you seat worrying, as forces saw success across the North American continent, along the Asian perimeter and even in Africa and Australia. That's four out of five, and according to the government, that aint' half-bad. However, if you or anyone you know has seen strike forces Carnivore, Lima and Uziel, please notify the Investigative facility closest to you, or call the number flashing on the screen.  
  
1: I think that's enough new for one day.  
  
2: For one week I've had enough. Next up, today's winning LUCK-O numbers, Imagine That with Sparky, and Good Morning Zeon to the rescue as we accept your calls.  
  
1: Hey 2, you look thirsty.  
  
2: Why yes I am.  
  
1: Might I recommend some holylicious Hebrew Cola? Hebrew Cola, God's chosen drink. No matter where you are or how bad things are, Hebrew Cola has the refreshingly forgiving taste to make it all feel so righteous. Good taste in an environmentally safe container, that's Hebrew Cola's covenant with you.  
  
2: Wow, it just makes me want to give hallelujah for sodas everywhere. Moving on. Today's lucky LUCK-O numbers are: 1-2-3-4-5, that's 1-2-3-4-5. If you've won then don't panic, just head on down to your local military recruitment station where you can go accept your prize.  
  
1: Oh No, I won!  
  
2: Today's prize, in keeping with tradition, is the same as it is every day. That's right you lucky cardholders, you've just won a year's free service with the Zeon military. See the galaxy, be a part of a team, wield the mightiest of technologies, enjoy the fresh air of Earth. And just in case you happen to forget you're a winner, advanced computers will remember for you. These devices will automatically send a trio of "Prize persons" to take you to your local recruitment center for you.  
  
1: But I don't want to go!  
  
(A trio of armed M.P.s burst into the studio, dragging one away kicking and screaming)  
  
2: That's the thing about LUCK-O, everybody's a winner! Now it's time for today's Good Morning Zeon Quick-poll. Just log onto your Gaia/net server, keywords Good Morning to cast your vote. Today's question: Is the principality of Zeon good or evil? Log on, now. Now, for those with a flair for the metallic, here's our very own Sparky with a word on current mobile suit technology.  
  
Sparky: I don't know about you, but when it comes to a war of originality the Fedis got us licked. While our suits seem to employ the dry, uni- colored look, the Federation's new mobile suits utilize a veritable rainbow of awesome colors when churning out military vehicles. Sure, our own M.S. paint jobs aren't exactly a bad fit (if you're into camouflage and all that stuff) but where's the flare? I mean, when an Rx-78 walks into an area, you know its there. It might be because of all the weapons, maybe even all the killing, but the way I see it…it's the decals. Hey, I'm no enemy of argument. You could say that our own bland mobile looks have a lot to do with the need to blend in with our surroundings. Surprise attacks and all. But is that really what we want to say to the galaxy? Our forces are so scared they have to hide. The Federation military has got a team of artists working around the clock to give the world something new to talk about on their Gundam, and that's the machine that is going to see some magazine covers. Now, I'm no tactician, but one has to wonder if the paint job doesn't have something to do with the units fighting record. I mean, all Gundams aside, our own Char Anzable has his own trademark and original colors about him and just look at his achievements. I mean, who's to say Char's not just another schmuck in a Mobile Suit? What makes him a winner is that amazing pink that keeps the rest of the Universe saying: "Who is that killing me? I know, it's Char Anzable!" So keep your green and blue and dark brown I say, move on and use some artistic talent. Make this war a showcase of the amazing abilities of all of Side 3's citizens, even the Bohemians. Now I know there's no telling if such a drastic change could actually win this armed conflict business or not, but in this commentators opinion…it couldn't hurt.  
  
2: Sparky, with the latest in Mobile Suit warfare everyone. Now the results of today's Quick-poll: Is the Grand Duchy good or evil? Is the Federation right, and are we just acting silly about this whole war of independence thing? What a complicated question. There are so many facets to it. Well, 99.9% of you chose the right answer. As it turns out, we are actually good. I don't know about you, but that sure is a relief to my conscience. Now for those of you who chose the wrong answer, take heart. A trio of government officials are on their way to educate you as to why your decision was so wrong. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Up next, cooking never became so fractious or funny; it's that big guy with an equally big palate, get ready for Dozle Does Chinese, coming next.  
  
(1 bursts back in, his appearance now disorderly to the point of resembling 2)  
  
2: Well what a surprise. I thought you'd be on a one-way flight to Solomon by now.  
  
1: Your telling me! Luckily it turned out to all be a misunderstanding. My card actually belonged to my mother; I just accidentally switched with my own this morning.  
  
2: Oh, how nice. (whispering.) You still live with that banshee?  
  
1: Not anymore. Now she's on her way to the front, and I've got one extra room in the house. Free at last, free at last!  
  
2: Ah, yes, because here at Side 3 we're all about freedom, all sorts of freedom existing within the boundaries of good taste, and patriotism.  
  
1: That's right 2. Oh, now we've gone way over time…until next time, Sieg Zeon 2!  
  
2: Sieg Zeon 1! 


	2. Ep 2: Anger Management

Setting: (Eternal darkness. It fills the arena. Stretching its arms, the thick blackness of the space seems to stretch on forever, extending the confines of the room by light-years. Stillness. The sound of air as it passes through objects, between them, in them, into the blackness is nothing but a crisp whisper intended for the most sensitive of listeners. Wait. You, listen! Do you hear it? The grinding, the screeching of metal against metal shatters the perfect tranquility once observed. Movement. Not noticeable by the naked eye, but merely sensed. The gusts pick up speed. The air brushes against your flesh. The sounds: the trickle of steps on concrete, the pounding of them on metal, followed by the cracking of them on dried wood. A show. A virtual cinema of sound surrounds you, exposing all but your most flawed of senses to the scene thus created. Do you taste it? The dust kicked up by the storm of steps? The rich smell of fine linen? It brushes against your leg. Cold and  
hard, you reach out for a second to identify what has made contact with you. Warm, it makes the nothing noise of hollowness when you flick it with your finger. This is not what brushed you. You feel about. Ah, there it is. Connected to the object that you had grasped earlier. A long pole, cold and hard...and metal? A long rope, no wait, a wire dangles from its bottom. Follow it? Why not? Forward. Forward. A little further. Wall. You're stuck. The blackness remains; you see only a continuation of the same dark path. Yet here you are, impeded by an unseen barrier. You turn to face the nothingness once again only to be confronted by a great bit of somethingness. The endless universe of darkness escapes to some unknown place (where does the shadow go to hide?) as light, great beams of limitless white-hot energy transforms the space into a room. And what a room it is. A practical box of bare gray walls surround you, the only exception being a large, sturdy automatic door. $TUDIO  
M-4. The letters must have been the grand centerpiece of the door at one time. Now, large as they are, age and a lack of care (the most accused culprits of rot) have allowed the white letters to fade into the door's beige. The crowd, a throng of people and things congregated about the center of the room. Men with their machines (or is it machines with their men?); they run the lights, they fiddle with the cameras, they argue and fuss over everything and nothing. The center. A room that is not a room. See it and you see beautiful chairs, lovely centerpieces, a beautiful terrace along a lovely wall, a flag, two happy people (one in military garb, the other in a pieced together suit). All a lie, not a bit is real. Is that a bad thing? You may reserve judgment. A hand juts out of the human mass surrounding the two seated in an imagined reality. Utilizing its fingers, it counts down: five, four, three...)  
  
1( Our seemingly militant male participant): Good Morning 2!  
  
2 (Our pieced together female participant): Good Morning 1!  
  
Both: And Good Morning Zeon!  
  
1: We're glad to be broadcasting to you today straight from the viciously luxurious holdings of Side 6's ruling council chambers, where it's amazingly peaceful...  
  
2: ...And the citizens are just uptight snobs, no offense.  
  
1: Today we'll be honored with divine presence of his royal highness' #2 man, the venerable Commandant Gihren Zabi, here today to talk with us about the progress of the war on Terra. We'll also be discussing the latest in Mobile Suit technology with one of the men who bring them into being, as we introduce you to Dr. Tod.  
  
2: All that and the Good Morning Zeon Solution Seekers; you've got problems, the Duchy's got solutions.  
  
1: She's not lying. We reviewed the tapes of the last few times we tried this, and we've worked pretty hard to figure out what went wrong all those other times.  
  
2: Plus I'm glad to announce that I've fully graduated anger management. I'm a better person, much less likely to explode with insensitive remarks concerning all the stupid situations you plebeians get yourselves into...  
  
1: Moving forward with today's news, fallacious rumors continue to spread concerning the latest in a string of lies perpetuated against his rotund majesty Duke Degin Zabi, the most prominent of which has been purported authentic photographs and documents meant to mislead the public into believing the duke is addicted to drugs, most notably Heroine.  
  
2: The Ministry of Truth & Lies has countered this latest bout in the propaganda war being waged by Federation loyalists through releasing equally convincing medical records that give the duke a clean slate. According to Ministry officials the duke suffers from a rare form of cancer, requiring the medicinal use of modest amounts of narcotics. Apparently his majesty also retains on and off bouts of diabetes, requiring him to take regular injections of what the documents refer to as "a pretty good Insulin alternative." Speaking candidly on the matter in person, the duke made a surprise speech to officials and office employees from the window of the royal lair. Here now is a recording of that speech.  
  
Hopeless: "What do you people want from me! Why the hell are you always surrounding me, questioning me? You think I don't know? Think I don't know? That it? Well I know, I know all of you. You think you can get me, but you can't. I'm invincible you see. Besides, what does it matter what I do in my time. It's my time! Private time, and what I do with my time and what I spend my allowance on is none of your bother! What do you care? I ain't hurting nobody. I'm just being me. I'm just exploring the galaxy. You ain't stopping so leave me alone. I swear if you don't I'll kill you I'll kill you all! That's right. I'm watching you now! I'm watching all of you!  
  
(Silence).  
  
2: (Whispering) I thought you said we edited this.  
  
1: (Whispering) We did...I didn't say we did a very good job. I mean, how can you edit tha...(turning attention toward camera lens) His royal highness...Degin Zabi. You know 2 I've always been a strong supporter of drug legalization.  
  
2: I'm rapidly learning to become one, after all, who doesn't wish they could escape reality. If anything, I admire the duke. Few men have the gall to break unjust laws, let alone their own unjust laws.  
  
1: Of course that doesn't mean that we recommend our viewers do the same. This just in, the Ministry of Truth & Lies has just released a statement concerning the speech you just heard earlier. It reads as follows: "There's nothing wrong with a little pick-me-up now and then, requiring that its all in good fun. Therefore, the question is not what he did, but in what spirit he did it in. As far as we're concerned he's completely harmless, and that means A-O.K. to the rest of you."  
  
(Silence).  
  
2: Doesn't this sound like a great time to dig in to a hearty loaf of Harding's famous military-grade hard tack? Harding's hard tack; the same chunky bits of corn and smashing sawdust flakes that our men and women on the front have to suffer through day in and day out. Harding's a truly martial dining experience.  
  
1: In further news, Mobile Suit accidentally hits a colony cylinder when a young conscript admiring the features of his new DOM II was concentrating far more on finding a way to play his Paul Harvey memorabilia in the cockpit than keeping his eyes on the viewing screen. Orbit failing. Civilian population is in definite peril. Thousands already feared dead. Failing orbit said to be causing colony to veer dangerously towards the Earth. Mass destruction, further violence, and a total collapse of law and order expected to ensue.  
  
2: My God, is the DOM all right?  
  
1: Thankfully yes. The quick-thinking pilot, who has apparently had some similar infractions in the past from which he almost did not walk away from, made sure to drink quite heavily before heading out. Thus, if an accident did occur, his wiry frame would be limp enough and react slow enough to take a lot more damage than is normally possible. And get this; even the mobile suit is salvageable!  
  
2: No way!  
  
1: Way! Just read this report. Now that's what I call craftsmanship. I mean this thing can take some colony flying out right in front of it like it wasn't even there. I mean, clear the space ways man, the DOMs are tearing through. You just got to...  
  
2: What about the colony?  
  
1: The what?  
  
2: The colony!  
  
1: The colo-oh, right...that, one second (continues reading the document) um, it crashed.  
  
2: Oh, anybody survive?  
  
1: Doesn't look good.  
  
2: That's...too bad.  
  
1: Who cares, Cylinder 12 was all jerks. Every moment whining, "we need air, we need running water and gas, we need food." I've spent so many damn years shelling out handouts for those lazy bastards. I'm not a charity. I say let `em crash.  
  
2: Life got ya' down.  
  
1: I know I'm in a bad mood.  
  
2: Odds are most people are in a bad mood. That's right, statistics from the recently instituted Bureau of Government Opinion go to show that most Side 3 citizens do not give enough love. Just take a look at the above comparison of last year's love levels when compared to this year.  
  
1: What a disturbing trend. I had no idea my kindness had become so scarce. What should I do?  
  
2: While you could go as far as to turn to drugs to get that happy pizzazz back in your life...  
  
1: Not that there's anything wrong with that...  
  
2: Why would you want to, when you could be reaping the rewards of knowing again what it is to love first hand, through the eyes of your very own small animal.  
  
1: Small animal? I thought they didn't make those any more?  
  
2: God doesn't, but the people at Hanson Bio-Genetics do. Think of it, your very own puppy, squirrel or lovable midget to have, to hold and to love for your very own.  
  
1: Hey, I'm thinking about it right now...and it still sounds like a good idea. Where can I get a small, furry creature?  
  
2: Why just dial the number on the screen now, and voila...you're the great person all around that Zeon knows you can be. Hanson, letting you enjoy life, one cell at a time.  
  
1: Well, now we've come to a point in the show that we know many of you have been waiting for since we announced it yesterday. Ladies and gentlemen, this great master of the battlefield has served us since the days of the benevolent ruler Zeon himself. His exploits are both heroic and innumerable; his words burn the ears of the Federation. Even his detractors have no choice but to admit he is indeed a snazzy dresser. Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a big round of Sieg Zeons at home for the producer of this show, the world knows him as "the Great Evil One", but we here at the studio just refer to him as Uncle Don't kill me none, Gihren Zabi everyone.  
  
Maniacal: Glad to be here.  
  
Both (1&2): As are we sir, as are we.  
  
1: Now sir, to start off...uh, where's my questions?  
  
Maniacal: On the table behind you. I didn't quite like most of your earlier questions, so I've decided to replace them with much better, yes, indeed far superior questions. I feel it will make this interview a lot less, how should I say...painful.  
  
2: You're the boss, sir. (Picks up paper). So, uh, are we winning the war or not?  
  
Maniacal: Yes, of course we are...next question.  
  
2: Come on, seriously for a moment. Are we really?  
  
Maniacal: Of course...NEXT QUESTION!  
  
1: Uh, right. Um, what are we doing today Gihren?  
  
Maniacal: The same thing we do every day 1, TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!  
  
1: Well, that explains a lot. Um, any hints on exactly what we're doing on Earth right now.  
  
Maniacal: Oh, we're involved in a lot of practices on Earth. Why just yesterday I rode the carousel, got to see the Golden Gate Bridge, ate Ice Cream in San Francisco...  
  
1: The soldiers?  
  
Maniacal: I don't know! What do you think? I've got eyes in the back of my head you imbecile. Well, this could be a simple guess, but my theory is that they're probably FIGHTING! But of course, they might just be down there playing Polo or some other...  
  
2: Sir, senior military officials have made claims that you are actually not handling this situation in a way...  
  
Maniacal: Hey, I'd like you to try to do any better. Let's see how you do.  
  
1: No, she didn't mean...  
  
Maniacal: Oh no, come on tough guy. You think your better than me? You think it's easy? That I just snap my fingers and,"presto", things get done. Well I've got some information for you it is not that easy.  
  
1: Uh, let's move on.  
  
Maniacal: Oh, hold up just a moment. You think you can take me. Is that it?  
  
1: No, that's not what I...  
  
Maniacal: Shut up! I'm asking the questions now Thaddeus Blimp! Come on fatty, do you think you can wail on me or something?  
  
1: Now wait just a...  
  
Maniacal: Oh, so that's it huh. Beat up on the smart kid, huh. Your just like all the guys at school back in the day. Oh, I got your number. I got your number right here! (Snaps fingers)  
  
(Three M.P.'s burst into the studio and drag 1 away kicking and screaming)  
  
Maniacal: Where were we?  
  
2: Uh, have you any concerns about Zabi family safety so soon after your brother's unfortunate demise.  
  
Maniacal: Absolutely not! If nothing else, his death insures my safety.  
  
2: Sir?  
  
Maniacal: Look at it mathematically. There were five of us right. So two meet the reaper, and the law of probabilities puts it all in my favor. I mean, what are the odds of the entire family getting wiped out. There'd have to be some sort of vendetta against me, and I've made personally sure that everybody loves me. I sent signed copies of my books to every Federal officer and official free-of-charge. I mean, as far as I can tell, the only feelings floating around me are ones of adoration and gratitude.  
  
2: Yes, of course. Now...  
  
Maniacal: No more questions.  
  
2: What?  
  
Maniacal: I said no more questions. I've grown tired of you and your idle banter bores me. This interview is over.  
  
2:...Gihren Zabi everybody. Not a regular on our show, I assure you. Given that 1 has probably been executed by now, I think it best I go ahead and introduce this week's Tech Talk with Dr. Tod. Hello doctor.  
  
Mindless: Hello you small person. Greetings world...and my mother; who's dead by the way. It fills me with sadness.  
  
2: So doctor, what can you tell us about this new Mobile Suit people have been raving about.  
  
Mindless: Well, if you must know, we are very excited about the prospects of this device. We feel it will change the whole way in which mobile suit warfare is fought.  
  
2: Interesting. Could you tell us a little bit about the design and process of this piece?  
  
Mindless: Certainly. Well I was sitting around one day writing poems about my mother, who had died recently. So I'm sitting there feeling depressed when WOW, I suddenly get an idea. And bang, I'm not thinking about my mother any more, no, I'm drawing, and drawing, and drawing some more. Oh, it was fantastic! It had arms and legs and a head and several other things like body parts that don't belong, and more body parts, and it was big; it reminded me of a Picasso. It was great...but completely unfeasible, so I threw that piece of paper away.  
  
2: Interesting, at least I'm sure somebody found that interesting? Now about the suit you built...  
  
Mindless: Oh that. Some kid down in R&D built that, I just took the credit. Now what else did you want?  
  
2: Rumor has it that this device was made solely for the purpose of combating the infamous "white ghost." Can you verify this?  
  
Mindless: Well, there isn't much else we really do here any more. Just sit around, thinking up ways to blow up the Gundam.  
  
2: Can you fill us in on the technical aspects of this new machine? What separates it from the normal pack of Mobile Suits available to our forces?  
  
Mindless: It's bigger! And it's slower and its packed with three times as many explosives as on other suits. It...  
  
2: But sir, that makes it sound as if it will be more difficult for our pilots to tangle with the enemy.  
  
Mindless: Well, that's just it. We've pretty much given up the idea that we're actually ever going to hit that thing. Its part of this pilot infallibility theory I've been working on. Look, here's a depiction of what we estimate the White Satan actually looks like.  
  
2: Amazing, does he ever have to sharpen those fangs?  
  
Mindless: Only when he's not biting into raw meat. More to the point, we suspect from these vague suspicions that the pilot contains within his brain a most peculiar gland which prevents him from ever getting shot and killed, ever. But, who's to say a big enough explosion wouldn't do him in? Right, right!  
  
2: Uh, we appear to be running out of time. I'm sorry Dr. Tod, but we'll have to finish this conversation at a later time. Well, it appears we're just going to have to wait until tomorrow to get to our Solution Seekers program, but fear not. It will see the airwaves; you have my word on that.  
  
(1 bursts back into the studio, obviously bitter, and takes his former seat)  
  
2: Well this is certainly quite the pleasant surprise. (Whispering) Why aren't you dead yet?  
  
1: (Whispering) Do you think any one actually does anything Gihren tells them to do? I mean come on, the man's nuts. If it were up to him, we'd be speaking Swedish and recognizing same-sex marriages, completely insane.  
  
2: (whispering) Oh right, how stupid of me. (To herself) Bigot...WELL, it's good to see your safe and sound and back on the show.  
  
1: Maybe, but that doesn't exactly protect anyone from the pent up emotion inside. I mean I thought I was dead. Things like that are supposed to have you recalling important events in your life. But me? Nope, I'm blank. My life is a shame, a fake, no one knows the real me! It's absolutely infuriating. I need a puppy! Where's that damn number?  
  
2: Well, uh, look at the time. We're running over. Up next, witness the heart-warming story of a young introvert whose true spirit and self-confidence are awakened by a friendly, giant monster he meets under his bed one day. Be a part of the magic as that boy and that monster go on to turn around one of baseball's most horrid teams ever. Admiral Dozle stars as Sir Snarks-a-Lot the hideous but lovable monster in the children's Neo-Vision classic, Terry and the Twins. Until next time, that's all for us. Sieg Zeon 1.  
  
1: Shut up 2. 


	3. Ep 3: Extremism=Nothing to Somebody

Setting: (If you've read this far, then you know where you are.)  
  
1: Good Morning 1!  
  
2: Good Morning 2!  
  
Both: And Good Morning Zeon!  
  
1: We're pleased to be reaching our audiences today from the cleanly halls of the recently declared, white powdery-substance free, Senate Hart building, the most sterilized site on the Earth since 2002 A.D.!  
  
2: Just take a whiff of that air! That's not just fresh, that's toxic Chlorine, uncontaminated, wait a second while I choke a while fresh, and there's no better type of fresh available in North America...yet.  
  
1: Well, let's take a look at today's roster. Ah, it looks like we're going to be giving the Good Morning Zeon Solution Seekers the old third try...  
  
2: Remember folks, there's nothing wrong with failing twice, just ask the Germans.  
  
1:...speaking of whom; we'll be whiling away some of the time today with Rolf Schiezekopf, head of our Slightly Advanced Research and Other Stuff Involving Fictional Science Division.  
  
2: As well as having a chat with Nathaniel Norton who'll be joining us directly in the studio...  
  
1: (whispering) Who in the hell is Nathaniel Norton?  
  
2: (whispering) I met him in the subway once. He looked rather lonely, living there all alone.  
  
1: What!?  
  
2: If it helps, I think he said he wrote a book once.  
  
1: Well...oh, right. It wouldn't be Good Morning Zeon if we didn't start off with today's news. Thousands of members of the Fascist Think Tank Labor Group took to the streets today in protest of what they refer to as "lost freedoms". Claiming to be the brains behind most of the terms that come from the mouth of his worthiness Gihren Zabi, these so-called artisans of the Grand Duchy seem intent on causing the worst sort of mischief. Already police have had to deal with reports of Arson, vandalism and just plain immature shenanigans.  
  
Witness (1): It's just depressing. I do my job, I get up every morning, I make do, I even pay taxes when they're reasonable...so why should I have to wake up every morning only to be pelted by pilfered artwork and gold bullion by these people? I'm a citizen for Zabi's sake!  
  
Officer (1): It's amazing. I mean who figured the Nazis would ever sink so low? They were never any trouble when we brought them here in the first place. Always so nice and polite, and very snazzy dressers; who knew on the inside they could all be so insensitive. The way it's looking we're just going to have to send them all back to Uruguay.  
  
Witness (2): I must say they're amazingly efficient. They really go to extreme lengths to make you feel like it's going to be a normal day. They get your name and hand you a number and then place a sign that says Tomatoes...so I'm thinking I'm going to buy me some tomatoes...but no, instead I find myself drenched in tomato juice. Who would have though it...I'd never would have believed that they could be such bullies. These have got to be the worst things they have done to anybody. The police should do something about them, and quickly!  
  
Officer (2): What's the problem? I mean, I say, if they want to drill themselves into a deep dark hole then it's fine with me. Actually, with all the juvenile delinquents now off fighting for their nation it was beginning to get a little boring around here. These guys have given me a reason to polish off the old stun gun and riot helmet again. Hey, I love violence. I mean, how can you be an officer of the peace and not? I says just leave them alone, and if they get themselves into any real trouble...then we'll deal with them. Who knows, if it ever actually goes that far, it might make some interesting news footage. Now that's something I haven't seen in a while!  
  
1: There you have it. Fortunately the belligerent group has remained relatively quiet the last few days, amid speculation they may actually be sent away to the Earth.  
  
2: When questioned about whether or not such a plan of action would be executed, Herr Moulder of the Ministry of Truth & Lies continued the age-old Ministry rhetoric. For those of you who are new to this particular issue, keep in mind the government does not officially recognize the existence of Nazis. Anyone or persons you may have believed to be so-called Nazis are in reality...not.  
  
1: Official blather aside, our producer and Megalomaniac extraordinaire, Gihren Zabi has made a statement today concerning the fractious bunch. While we have not been able to get a recording of the speech, we have been told that the Commandant was in no way responsible for the recent outbursts and regrets any emotional damage that may have been wrought in their wake. If he had known before they were this easily riled up, he would not have shipped them here in the first place.  
  
1: Speaking of shipping, have you noticed how hard it is to get yourself from one Side to the next?  
  
2: Are you kidding? Is it even possible to get from one Side to another?  
  
1: And citizenship? Please, don't even ask!  
  
2: I've been trying unsuccessfully for years to become a Side 6 citizen.  
  
(silence)  
  
2: Only so I could have more time there to further ridicule them and their cowardly lifestyle of relative luxury and peace of course. But it's a pointless search any way. There's no way to get citizenship, let alone get there.  
  
1: Don't say another word, because Crazy Fidel's Shipping is here to bring all those luxuries to you.  
  
2: Why what do you mean Crazy Fidel?  
  
Haphazard: I'll tell you what I mean! I mean first-class passage straight to the Colony of your choice! I'll tell you what I mean! I mean citizenship papers, indistinguishable from the real ones from the words, to the signatures, to the little photo of you when you were just about to sneeze. Hey, I know a trend when I see one, and let me tell you, there are a lot of people these days who'd like to see the world outside of Side 3 if ya' know what I mean. And ya' know, I can understand that! I'm not here to judge anything but your pocketbook, and hey, for the prices I'm charging ya' should be able to take most of it with ya' too. I mean what the hail, that's what bein' a charitable Christian's all about! Aint it? Aint it? So you just go to down to my place, ya'can't miss her, she's by the space docks, lower East Side by all the boarded up buildings, and you just tell me: Hey Crazy Fidel, me and my own want a crate to head on down to...you name it! And I know what ya're  
thinking! Cargo crates? Hey man, it's the future aint it? Cargo crates have a proud history of shipping people across borders and through checkpoints, and thanks to modern technology it's only getting more comfortable. The dangers of the past have been eliminated. Why suffocate inside the cargo container of some other knock-off's ship when you can breathe easy thanks to Crazy Fidel's new and improved hole-punchin' system. Never be left without a gasp again! And just for now, and I can guarantee the next few gentlemen to call up Crazy Fidel's a free seat. While others may eventually fall to the ground from hours of exhaustion, you lucky few will be able to have the supreme comfort of finding yourself seated in this fine lawn chair thing. And remember, that's a deal you'll only find right now at Crazy Fidel's Custom Shipping Service!  
  
2: Wow...I guess. That's Crazy Fidel's Custom Shipping Service everyone. And remember, you just heard it straight from the man himself, call the number flashing on this very screen this very moment and you could be duking it out on the bottom of a cargo container for possession of a lawn chair.  
  
1: Yes, well, it's always nice to experience something new on every trip. Especially the ones in which you might not be coming back. In further news...oh my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, I've just received word he is all right. That is correct; Zeon's greatest hero has left the hospital intact.  
  
2: Only days after receiving his medal of Accomplishment from the Grand Duke himself, the young one known as the Dead Eye's Squad's littlest warrior had been quarantined at the local Amherst General for what has now been identified as just an average case of worms. Little Butch-Baby is now in the process of being returned to his post as mascot of the Dead Eyes, a Mobile Suit Squad with a fair bit of fame thanks to this courageous pup.  
  
1: (sniffles) Zabi bless you, little Butch-Baby. Ladies and Gentlemen this just in...Oh Zabi!  
  
2: We regret to inform the members of our audience that, upon his return to Earth several hours ago, Butch-Baby suffered an extreme case of death. No official word yet as to the cause, but there is some speculation that the little yipper may have been flattened a Zaku's left foot. A full inquiry has been made into the matter; we will probably have coverage of that in the coming days.  
  
1: This is truly a day...that...will live in infamy! (Covers face in hands). Oh why Zabi, why did you take little Butch-baby...war is so bloody heartless...take me, take me instead...(takes face out of hands) you know, it's moments like this that make me say, boy 2, you sure look awful pretty.  
  
2: Why thank you 1, and you look handsome.  
  
1: But, doesn't everybody?  
  
2: Why what do you mean?  
  
1: Have you yet seen anyone, male or female, that wasn't absolutely stunning to look at? I mean, even the cameraman looks attractive! Is there anyone in this world that you have yet to notice because of their looks?  
  
2: Now that you mention it, everyone does look idealistically beautiful. I guess when you put it that way we're not that comparatively spectacular.  
  
1: Well, how does that make you feel?  
  
2: Depressed. And to think, all this time I thought I was unique. Guess there's nothing I can do about it though.  
  
1: Wrong! After all, it's just the animation style that makes us who we are right?  
  
2: What are you talking about?  
  
1: Never mind. The point is, we can change our looks with a snap and a few bucks, it's called anormaltherapy and all it takes is a few sets of paint and a Manga artist.  
  
2: Really? How does it work?  
  
1: Damned if I know, but I do know this much, I've seen the results. Let me tell you, I've seen nothing like it. Go from Carmen Electra to Kycillia Zabi in a matter of minutes. Tired of the old Frank Sinatra look, a minute with these guys and you've got yourself an original John Doe face. So amazingly dull, people will be stopping to ask each other, "Who is that guy with the common features?" If you want it quick, painless and a little bit original just call up your friendly neighborhood Manga Artist today. Remember: it's anormaltherapy, the process that lets you decide how others are going to judge you. Surgeon General's Warning: Anormaltherapy is not considered mentally safe for people who are not particularly self-conscious.  
  
2: Well I'll be sure to give it a try one of these days. (silence) Well folks, believe it or not, we've finally made it. It's time for Good Morning Zeon Solution Seekers.  
  
1: Today we'll be taking your calls, hearing your problems, and offering the bounty of our aid and advice in return.  
  
2: Just keep it simple, the universe may be watching. And here's our first caller, a Mr. Adolph. Hello Adolph, you're on the air with Good Morning Zeon.  
  
Fanatic: Guten tag und Guten Morgen. I mean, good morning.  
  
1: So, tell us, what's your beef?  
  
Fanatic: My beef? Oh, I'll tell you all right! I'm tired. Tired of this damn place. It's nothing but an absolute carbon copy of mein, er I mean my own creation...only set up in a floating tin can in space.  
  
1: Um, okay.  
  
Fanatic: Do you realize how insanely difficult it was to come up with all those weird words...  
  
2: German?  
  
Fanatic: Whatever. The point is, I'm the one who spent years coming up with all these cool ideas. Black uniforms. All my own. Big dictator person that's really evil. All mine. Insidious nationalism. Mine!  
  
1: Well, now that I think about it, your name does sound familiar.  
  
Fanatic: What about all the terms? All those mobile suit names. If it wasn't for me, you'd still be calling them various numbers or you'd still be stuck on Zaku. Zaku!!!! And what kind of a name for a killing machine is that? My Grossmutter had a more fearsome name than that? I gave your machines infamy, infamy I tell you!  
  
1: Uh...well.  
  
Fanatic: INFAMY!!!!  
  
2: Hold on just a moment, it's not like we've forgotten that or anything. We give you do credit I'm sure. Where's that episode script of the first season?  
  
Fanatic: Mention? Who gives a scheize about mention? Who? Anybody? I want monetary supplement! It took me years to come up with your culture. I lost a real war for it too! Where's my compensation?! I don't live on speeches alone you know, I'm not the former president or anything! I demand sustenance.  
  
2: I'm sure you do. And we're sure we speak on behalf of the whole government when we say all of Zeon wishes to thank you for your ideas. Why, we probably wouldn't be at war if not for you. And what better way to thank you than to give you a coupon for 50% off all dry good at Hartigan's General. Hartigan's: food from the stomachs armies march on.  
  
1: Just consider that a little compensation straight from the Zeon Duchy to you. Sieg Zeon!  
  
Fanatic: Oh, wait a moment! I thought up that...  
  
1: Our next caller comes to us straight from within the walls of perfectly placid Amherst General hospital. Hello Stubs.  
  
Pathetic: Who is this? Oh right. Sorry, the drugs they got me on have me forgetting stuff.  
  
2: Sounds pleasant. So tell me citizen Stubby, what's your problem?  
  
Pathetic: Hmm? Oh, of course. Yeah, well it's just my legs. I mean...  
  
2: Yeah, what about your legs?  
  
Pathetic: That's just it. They're gone. I mean, somebody's gone off and stolen my legs! One minute I'm fine and dandy and going in to get my Tonsils out and all, and the next minute my legs are...well I'll be damned.  
  
1: What seems to be the trouble?  
  
Pathetic: Bastards ran off with my liver too. That can't be too good, can it?  
  
1: Not at all, the liver I think is one of those unneeded organs, like the lungs. Just find yourself a soda bottle and a hole-puncher and you'll be fine. Next caller!  
  
2: That reminds me. Your safety is not something to be joked about in these harsh times, but is there anyone to turn to when your biology is in a bad way?  
  
1: Why the friendly folks down at Amherst General of course! Amherst General, you've probably seen them in the news the past few weeks, but don't let that deter you.  
  
2: That's right, few hospitals have the facilities, safety and relative cleanliness that Amherst General can offer, and did we mention how cheap it is. They're practically giving health care away! You won't find yourself needing to hold a gun to the surgeon's head to give your boy the care that he needs, but it's such a liberal environment there if you want to hold a gun to the surgeon's head then you go right ahead!  
  
1: Amherst General, always ready to offer you a better way into another life. Now where were we? Ah yes. Our next caller is little Jimmy who lives in Colony Cylinder C-6. So Jimmy, what seems to trouble you?  
  
Pitiful: Well, it's just...my dad, you know. He was taken off to...I don't know, go fight or something like that.  
  
1: What a patriot.  
  
Pitiful: Yeah well, one day he stopped writing. So, you know, I figure what's the worst that could happen. Then I learned people die out there fighting! And then I got the telegram and on it...it said my dad wouldn't be writing me no more. Then Mom got up and left with some Insurance Salesmen she'd met at Side 6, my sister decided to track them down and kill them I think...then the dog died of pneumonia, and I had to cook the cat to stave off hunger because I'm allergic to Ramen! You know, what do I do?  
  
2: Huh, that is quite a pickle. I'm afraid I don't have an answer...because we've run out of time.  
  
1: Poor Jimmy.  
  
2: You mean lucky, little Jimmy. That's right, Jimmy is today's winner of the Fallen and Kicked Award.  
  
1: Well, he was pretty pitiful.  
  
2: Little Jimmy will have all the time in the world to wallow in his sufferings now that he's won an all expense paid trip to the front. See you around Jimmy, it's been miserable! Up next, we hear a few words from today's technical commentator Rolf Schiezekopf...  
  
1: ...with a follow up by Mr. Nathaniel Norton, professional sub-way vagrant.  
  
Big Headed: With the startling and many advances in modern technology one has to wonder where that puts me, and by me I mean you, the masses. It's easy to get lost in the arid rush of new things coming to the market. Where do you fit into the big plan? Is there any room for me, or am I just another unimportant extra? And by me, of course I don't mean me, I mean all you plebeians. I'm here today to tell you, no to reassure you everything is fine. There is no big plan. We come up with this stuff as the writer gods command. Most of it has no point except for appearances sake, or to advance some mysterious linear plotline you'll never know anything about. We don't ask why, and neither should you. These machines, these wonders and yet we're still at war. Mankind is still capable of such warfare because if we were not, who would watch the show? The answers to specific questions? Very well. Yes, none of you really matter. Very few of you will even get a voice-over in your time.  
Yes, the mobile suits are all important. Without them all other technological development would be as nothing. A mobile suit is indeed worth more than a man and his life. Do you see anyone tuning in on the afternoon to watch your day? I didn't think so. Now, if it was your day in a mobile suit, perhaps then we could talk. Do? There's nothing you can do about it. It's just the way things are, have been, and will surely always be. So you just keep on doing what you're doing Side 3, and we'll keeping pumping them out as bright, shiny, metallic and new as ever. Let's march toward oblivion...together.  
  
1: And with further comment, here's our very own Nathaniel Norton. Hello Nate.  
  
Himself: How are you?  
  
1: Fine, apparently unimportant, but fine. So, 2 told me you've written a book.  
  
Himself: Oh no, no, I wrote on a piece of once. I'm self-published...I threw the papers onto the street once. People noticed I think.  
  
1: Interesting. So what have you to say about Mr. Shiezekopf's recent words?  
  
Himself: Not much, but if you bear with me a second...okay, that man was dead wrong.  
  
2: Really? Is that so?  
  
Himself: You're damn right that's so! I mean, the way he was speaking the war's as good as lost. I mean come on...sure the so-called "war" is lost, but that doesn't mean the economic war is over.  
  
2: Uh-huh...where are you going...  
  
Himself: I'm talking about fandom, I'm talking about marketable options, I'm talking about action figures!  
  
1: Excuse me?  
  
Himself: Imagine for a moment a line of fully pose able, richly articulated figurines...I call them action figures. (To camera.) Copyright pending! I'm talking about dolls with machine guns for the gents just as much for the ladies. This is true victory. Wait just a minute now, before you say anything else, take a look at this. Watch as Mighty Gihren with plastic missile arms takes down the Vile General Revil with exploding torso! Hey, if you can't beat `em in reality, you can still sock it to `em here! I mean, come on. The kids are gonna LOVE these. And look, the models come in three difficulty levels: motivated, Obsessed, and Hermit! But wait, there's no need to stare. Think of all the implications. Long after the fall of Zeon, Zeon Mobile Suit Action Heroes Deluxe sets will still be capturing the hearts and minds of kiddies across the galaxy. Now that's indoctrination for you! It's patriotism that's profitable, for Zabi's sake, I've discovered economically viable  
nationalism. And wait until the holiday rush. Imagine how many real Zaku II's you'll be purchasing after the stores clear out. Come on now, why turn to drugs or hard labor to get another anti-Earth movement going when you could do just as well with these little plastic fellows. No amount of Federation propaganda is going to sway kids into thinking this pint-sized storm trooper is anything but lovable and huggable. Check this out...its bedtime Duke Degin. He tells war stories and cries about all the children he lost...and when you squeeze his hand his heart glows. Awwwww, isn't that precious. I tell you, you start pumping out these babies instead their massive counter-parts and you will have a war won! I mean, come on, this is it! The time is now. If we don't act, odds are the Federation will, and I don't see them being too kind in regards to compensation and all, even if we did come up with the mobile suits in the first place. I mean, we gotta go and rip them off first,  
before they get us. Leastways, that's the way I see it.  
  
(silence)  
  
1: Go away. Just get out of here and take your plastic gnomish freaks with you.  
  
Himself: Wait just a minute I got lots more...  
  
1: NOW!  
  
Himself: But I...I mean you promised.  
  
2: Oh, right. Here's a 20. Now remember, this is drinking money only. You head straight to the bar and buy yourself some Vodka...I don't want you anywhere near the patents office or a publishing house, those people have seen enough of you.  
  
Himself: Yes ma'am, I promise.  
  
(silence)  
  
1: Well I hope you're happy. I don't think I'll be able to sit comfortably for a week without thinking about that...stuff!  
  
2: Sorry. I thought he'd be good for a laugh.  
  
1: Very good for you. I hope you got your ha-ha's. Just remember at what price.  
  
2: I said I was sorry. Next time I'll make sure he's really drunk.  
  
1: There's not going to be a next time. Speaking of time, we're just about to run over ours.  
  
2: Right. Up next, stay tuned for the comedic styles of the man who put the huge in big-time, get ready for the Dozle Dan Comedy Hour.  
  
1: Don't worry, it goes by pretty quickly. Until next time, Sieg Zeon 2!  
  
2: Sieg Ze...  
  
(Suddenly a group of thugs dressed in a peculiar gray rushes 1, pounding him to a pulp and dragging him off-stage to the unmarked exit.)  
  
Adolph: That was the last straw! I'm sick of that phrase, in the name of all things holy you've made me sick of that phrase! (To camera) Oh, this isn't the last you've heard of us! We are going to be heard! We will have the right to frivolous lawsuits returned to us, or this man will be sent back to you in a surprisingly gruesome, yet none-the-less original fashion! You have our word on that!  
  
(All but 2 leave the stage. Silence follows.)  
  
2: Now...who was that again? I could have sworn he sounded familiar. 


End file.
